Unrequited
by LionessCersei
Summary: Everyones love is unrequited. Sheila loves Tormund. Tormund loves Brienne. Brienne loves Jaime. Jaime loves Cersei. Cersei loves wine. Obviously not a serious fic and there will be humorous and tragic endings for every pairing tagged. You've been warned.
1. Sheila POV

**This will be the weirdest fanfic you will ever read.**

"ROAAAAAAAR!," Sheila was wondering where her sexy redheaded pet could have gone. She knew he wasn't a bear like her, but still, he was big and furry just like she. He walked on two legs and didn't understand what her different roars meant. Likewise, she didn't understand his strange language. Still, they had found a way to communicate and romantic talks by the campfire of those they would devour were not out of the ordinary for them. They were different, yet oh so similar and they had been lovers for some time now. So she had expected he would be nearby when she awoke. Had all their romps in the den meant nothing to him? If he could have just bared with her for a couple more months, she would have woken up next to him and everything would have been alright.

She still remembered their final night together. Him in all his naked redhaired glory, telling her what an animal she was in the sack. Her intense hunger for something tasty as he lay sated beside her. She would have eaten him alive, but she had fallen in love with the odd red furred being. He had been just what she had needed to mend her broken heart when her husband Bart had gone off and gotten himself kidnapped by a group of food. The rumor around Bearville had been that he had ended up in a fighting pit against some one-handed knight and some woman-man person. She was unlikely to ever see him again. So this redheaded being would be her new love. His name she had learned was Tormund. Hers was Shrrrrrrrawrawwwwwrailllllllllalalala but that would be too hard for him to pronounce in his limited language, so she had communicated to him that he should call her Sheila.

Now, where could he have gone? ROAR. She couldn't live without him. She was a bear after all and bears needed their honey. She would have to find him. Silly being. He must have gotten lost in the forest.

His scent had been washed away by the many rains during her months of hibernation. She did smell other scents though. She decided to follow the majority of them. Perhaps he had found a village of food. She would lead him back to their love cave and bring some food home as well for them to enjoy together. He'd always loved when she did that. "Delicious meat, a bit dry though! Wish I had some ale to wash it down with," he had remarked many times.

It seemed she had traveled for months before she reached a giant wall. She smelled food. Lots and lots of food. She could hear some of the food talking. With her keen hearing, she picked up her pets voice.

"I want to make babies with you. Great big monster babies! They'd conquer the world! Please, Brienne, do the honor of becoming my wife?"

What? Who was this Brienne, and why was Tormund proposing to her? The sound of a slap was heard.

"Oh yeah, Brienne! I'm such a lucky man!"

There was the sound of footsteps walking away and an exasperated sigh.

"I won't give up. Not ever. You blue-eyed beauty, you will bare my children one day! Beautiful, blonde or ginger-haired giant monster babies! Brienne, think about it! They would conquer the world!" Tormund proclaimed.

Shiela's ears perked up at the mention of the word bear. It brought her back to one of their last conversations.

"You're a bear of a woman Sheila, but you can't bare me children. I need a woman. An actual woman...nice and soft and cozy as you feel..."

Shiela had stopped for a moment and bite his nose. She was hungry. It had taken all her strength to not rip his nose off, "Oh fuck Shiela I love it when you bite me like that."

Shortly thereafter they had joined in the way that bears and their food should never join. Sheila remembered falling into a peaceful, contented sleep after. Her hibernation had begun. When she woke up, he was gone. If she had known it would be their last time... If she had only known she would have devoured him in every way possible. Shiela roared with sobs as she strode away from the village of food, her hunger temporarily forgotten.


	2. Tormund POV

**More silliness. This was even funner to write than the last chapter!**

Tormund had just gotten rejected by his Blonde beauty yet again and was finally starting to think that she might perhaps never be his. Especially given how everyone around him was telling him Brienne was hopelessly in love with Jaime Lameister. Or whatever his name was. Tormund had refused to believe it until one day when he spotted Brienne gazingly adoringly at Jaime. That was when Tormund knew. Brienne loved Jaime.

How in seven hells could she love that one-handed incestuous blonde knight? Tormund raked his brains trying to figure it out. He pieced together what Jaime had, that he didn't.

Jaime was highborn, and these silly unfree, no chained as he preferred to think of them as, these chained folk seemed to think that meant something. However, Brienne was highborn as well, so why should it matter that Jaime was? It wasn't as if they would both become more highborn if they were together. It was also not as if they could live in both Tarth and Castle Cocks, or whatever place it was that pretty boy had said he came from.

He tried to think of what else he knew about Jaime Lannister. The man, if one could call him such, wasn't very well liked by anyone here, except for Brienne. So his personality must be quite lacking. He seemed to always have a frown on his face, unless he was giving a sarcastic smile at someone, and he constantly began sentences with "My sister..."

Could it be purely a physical thing? Could his looks be why Brienne liked the blonde knight so much? Tormund shook that notion off. Jaime was pretty all right, hell Tormund himself would fuck him if given the chance. However, there were a lot prettier men around here. Jon Snow, for example, was far prettier, and yet Brienne wasn't swooning over him.

Could Brienne perhaps have a thing for one-handed men? That could be it. Tormund debated cutting his hand off right then and there. Perhaps even offering it to her as a gift. Then, just as quickly as that thought came into his head he forced it out. He needed his hands. He was after all the best warrior here.

Tormund thought about what else he knew about Jaime. Jaime had fucked his sister. That blonde knight had committed incest so damn much that he had fathered three children by his sister, and Brienne, seemed more than alright with that.

Incest. Disgusting. How could anyone do such a sick thing? What's worse, Tormund had heard Jaime had only ever been with one woman. His sister. Had there been no other girls around Jaime's age growing up in castle cocks? No available female animals either? Tormund had heard there had been lions in Jaime's home. Oh to fuck a lion! Tormund felt himself growing hard at the thought. If Jaime had such an opportunity, why had he passed it up? That confused Tormund almost as much as the fact that Brienne could love a sick, incestuous man such as Jaime.

Brienne, virgin as he had heard she was, must want the complete opposite in a man. She must want a man with a sordid, and perhaps more so, forbidden past. That must be why she liked that incestuous one-handed knight so damn much.

Tormund's heart sunk at the realization. Though he had quite an interesting sexual past himself, he knew he couldn't top having an incestuous relationship with one's sister. Though he did have two sisters, he was not attracted to either of them in any way, and they'd probably give him a good beating if he tried anyway.

He didn't know much about these chained folk, could there be something they found as disgusting as incest? He would have to find out. Spotting Jon heading towards his quarters, Tormund quickly advanced his steps to catch up to him.

"Hello there Snowflake."

"Tormund, it's late and I've no time to chat. I am heading to my chambers to get to bed for the night."

"The dragon queen expecting the usual three inches of snow tonight?" asked Tormund.

"I'm not..."

"I've seen it so don't try to tell me different. It's alright though! Don't matter if it's small so long as you know what to do with it boy. But, I come here seeking your advice."

"My advice on what?" asked Jon sighing.

"On sexual matters regarding you chained folk."

"Chained folk? I'm not into bondage, much as Dae..."

"Aye boy, don't go getting all excited now! I meant chained as in unfree. My kind are the free folk. Your kind got all these silly rules and such so you're the chained folk," cut in Tormund.

"Well, I don't know if I can help you much...perhaps I should get someone like Bronn."

"Nah. You'll do just fine. I just got one question."

"And what's that?"

"Other then incest, what kind of sexual activities are considered forbidden and outlawed among your kind?"

"Well, fucking bears for one."

"Aye, boy you remember my tale of Sheila I see! But why would that be forbidden?" asked Tormund, genuinely confused.

"Because it's an animal."

"What an odd thing to care about!" exclaimed Tormund.

"Well, most of us see it as rather disgusting."

"Why? It's not as though you can make babies with it that would go mad, as the Targaryens did," stated Tormund.

"It's an animal. It can't communicate what it wants." defended Jon.

"Oh, you've obviously never seen a bear in mating season. It's a beautiful sight let me tell you. Almost as beautiful as that blonde beauty Brienne."

"I don't know what to say. I really must be going though," stated Jon.

Tormund found Jon's opinion on bear sex quite hard to believe, so he asked a few more people what they thought about bear sex. He found out that yes indeed, sex with a bear, or any animal for that matter was viewed much the same way as incest, if not worse. Perfect! Now with his sexual debauchery on par with that one-handed knight, he would have no trouble stealing Brienne's affections from him.

Tormund smiled to himself, knowing that when he told Brienne he had sex with a bear, she would become slick as a baby seal for him.

The next morning, he approached Brienne, giving her his usual flirty smile.

"You want to hear a story?" he asked her.

"I'm busy here," she replied.

"Aye, I see that. You training your squire. Such a lovely sight. I would like to invite you to supper with me tonight then."

"I...I...I don't think that's..."

"What a great idea!," Tormund's eyes narrowed when he saw who had spoken. The incestuous blonde one-handed knight.

"But...but...but..."

"Oh don't be so daft Brienne, it's obvious this wildling wants to make some wild love to you. Why, he looks more lovingly at you then the hound does chicken."

"Jaime!" she exclaimed.

"You should give him a chance. Everyone should have someone who loves them. I have Cersei. Cersei Cersei Cersei...oh just saying her sweet name makes me...".

"Jaime!" exclaimed Brienne again.

"What? Aye yes, we were talking about you having dinner with your suitor. I have just one thing to say to him. If you ever hurt her, I will pummel you good."

"I doubt you could pummel anything let alone pummel it good, unless you mean pummelling your sister," remarked Tormund.

"That was only one time. My sister quite prefers my cock."

An awkward silence followed. before Tormund addressed Brienne, "So I'll see you tonight for supper then?"

"I...I suppose so."

Later that night the two sat down to a nice supper. Tormund chewed sexily on his chicken leg, hoping the view of his oral skills would impress Brienne. Brienne, however, seemed bored and like she wanted to be anywhere else. Tormund knew he better act fast if he wanted to catch her attention.

"Hey, have you heard about the time, or rather times I fucked a bear?"

"Fucked a bear? Does that have some other meaning?" she asked

"No other meaning. I fucked a real live bear. Hairy, big and ravenous both for food and me. It was mating season for her you see and when she came onto me I couldn't say no. Followed her back to her den and fucked her good. Best sex I ever had. Then I stayed with her for some time and we fucked and fucked for weeks it seemed."

Brienne was now giving him an odd expression. Tormund couldn't tell, but she seemed upset. Was she jealous? That must be it. He had better reassure her quick that she was now the one for him.

"Of course, I'm sure sex with you would top it. You're about as big as my Sheila was. And I couldn't have babies with Shelia. Her and I are done. Unless you wouldn't mind a threeway of course. But you and I, we are meant to be. We will have great big monster babies together that will conquer the world."

"I would think this a joke if you had not been coming on to me for so long. And had you not tried to kidnap me from my room weeks ago."

"Aye, I didn't realize you chained folk would take so unkindly to our type of courting. I have learned though. Jaime and I had a conversation before dinner. He helped me write and send a raven to Tarth to ask for your hand."

"Jaime did what?!" exclaimed Brienne.

"Once your father gives his approval we can be wed," smiled Tormund.

"Jaime...Jaime wants us to marry?" she asked, on the verge of tears.

"Aye, he seemed quite happy about it. Promised to help us find a septa as you call them to perform the ceremony."

"I...I..,"

With that Brienne ran out of the dining hall. Tormund followed, but she refused to talk to him again that evening.

Months went by with her doing her best to avoid him, until finally, she sent him a note confessing her feelings. Her feeling for Ser Jaime Lannister and her gently requesting he cease his advances. Tormund had known she loved the incestuous knight, but it had hurt all the same. He had hoped in time that his advances would no longer be unrequited, but that wasn't the case. Jaime, for his part, did try to turn Brienne's affections towards Tormund, but it just wasn't to be.

**Next chapter will be Brienne's unrequited feelings for Jaime. I'll have to think how I can make it as funny as these two chapters as theres not as much comic relief with those 2. Reviews welcome, provided you have a sense of humor. :)**


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